Stoner Sex: Oral Sex, Selfish Lovers, Boob Jobs & MMJ

Dear Hyapatia,
My new girlfriend is not very experienced sexually. In fact, I am only the second guy she has ever been with. Her old boyfriend and her only did it twice, so she is basically a virgin. She has never given head before, and it kinda freaked her out when I suggested it. She thought it was disgusting. When I went down on her, she didn’t understand why. She has never had an orgasm with me. When we get high, she is more relaxed with sex, but how can I help her to enjoy it? She tells me she wants to be a better lover for me, but I basically just want her to be more comfortable with her own sexuality. — Michael

Dear Michael,
You could visit a few adult sites so she can get used to seeing common sexual acts and positions. This will show her how normal oral sex and other positions are. When she sees a woman orgasm from oral sex, she will understand why you went down on her and how loving that act is. Make sure she knows that if she has oral sex with you, you can control yourself and will not let loose in her mouth. That can be very scary for women, especially those who are new to oral sex. One of the best ways to make ladies who are new to sex more comfortable is to really take your time with foreplay. By that I don’t necessarily mean sexual foreplay, but taking the time to light the candles, play the mood music and give her a sensual massage. Then begin to think about the sexual activities. Foreplay begins in the mind long before it is acted on by the body.  

Dear Hyapatia,
My man is great to me everywhere but in bed. He is a selfish lover. He expects me to do all the work. I don’t know how long it has been since he went down on me, but I do him every time we have sex. I have hinted and even threatened to not suck him if he did not do me first, but he can’t get it up without it. I know he works hard and is tired, but it is more the spirit behind it than anything else. I mean, I don’t need him to make me orgasm that way. Do you have any suggestions? — Barb

Dear Barb,
There are two ways to go: you could either refuse to have sex with him until he puts a little more effort into it or you could accept the fact that he shows his love for you in other ways and not expect much in the bedroom. It depends on your personal needs and satisfaction. Personally, since it has been like this for so long, I would tell him that if he can’t take care of me, I won’t do it for him and if that means we can’t have sex, then so be it. My bet is that he will be going down on you in no time!

Dear Hyapatia,
I have a new lover that I have only been with a few months. He is very sweet and hard-working, not like my last boyfriends, so I want to hold onto him. I have rather large breasts, 38 DD, and I am short. He has pointed out that people probably think I am fatter than I am because my boobs are so big. I have a 26 inch waist. He thinks I would look better and be happier if I got a breast reduction. I have looked into the surgery, and it is really scary. They re-position the nipple and make a bunch of cuts. I am not so sure this is what I want. Do you know anyone who has gone through this surgery? What was their experience? Were they happy? — Lenora

Dear Lenora,
First of all, never let anyone talk you into elective surgery. Surgery done under general anesthesia is not without risks. It’s one thing if you yourself are uncomfortable with your breasts but quite another if it is just your boyfriend’s suggestion. I have had a friend undergo the procedure, and she was very happy with the results. Her breasts were large and pendulous, and they put a strain on her back. The surgery took a while to recover from, and there was some scarring, but none that would show in a dark-lit bedroom with a lover who was more interested in sex than examining a body for scars. If you decide that this is what you would want for yourself if you were single, because tomorrow is promised to none of us, make sure to research doctors thoroughly. Don’t shop by price but by before-and=after pictures. Your boyfriend my not be with you for the rest of your life, but your breasts will be. 

Dear Hyapatia,
I have been very worried lately about recreational pot under the Trump administration. My girlfriend and I both smoke every day. It helps her with her IB, and it calms me down when I am stressing over bullshit. Not to mention the wonders it does for our sex life! I mean, our sex life is fine without it, but why not make a good thing better? We live in a state with medical, but neither of us has ever pursued getting our medical cards. Do you think it would be worth the time and money to do that? — Jack 

Dear Jack,
Yes! First of all, if you had a medical card, you could buy your weed for less money. That right there makes it worthwhile. Whatever you spend on the doctor, you will quickly make back by the deep discounts offered to medical consumers. You can also sign up to have your favorite dispensary be your chosen care provider and receive another discount. Many medical dispensaries also offer discounts for purchases made before noon. Depending on where you live, you could find you are buying high-quality weed for $100 an ounce. And since they have not threatened medical patients, you could continue your lifestyle and wonderful sex life without fear. I believe they won’t be able to “trump” state’s rights on the issue, though. The horses have already left the barn and are in the next town over! It is too late to turn the clock back now with all the tax money the legal states are raking in.