High Horoscopes | March 2017
Now monthly: The HIGH TIMES astrological forecast, complete with strain recommendations!
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ARIES
While watching the Oscars this year, audiences around the globe gushed over the beautiful and unique gowns, most of which were accompanied by some version of the tuxedo. Some might think tails to be a timeless masterpiece, but isn’t it just the same old look, over and over again, even if you add a sparkly bow tie or a jaunty cummerbund? This is your tux month: a mindless revisit of the same damned suit—heightened and intense yet super repetitive. It might feel like the madness from 2016 is upon you again, but fear not: it is in fact a secret penguin suit, armoring you for a deep dive into the icy waters of release and self-care. Swim! Leave those silly celebrities behind and whip your way through the blue waves. Strain recommendation: Blue Dream
TAURUS
Your energies and wellness levels have been low lately; it’s difficult to rise up and challenge the day when you feel like you need a nap 20 minutes after waking up. You’d think that the cure would be to get more sleep, but in fact the opposite is true. What you need is some stimulation, inspiration and excitement. Your blood needs to course freely, your breath needs to be deep and your muscles must be flexed. Your monthly prescription is to drag your fatigued body into nature, awaken your creativity with a collaboration and soothe your heart by taking your honey out on a date, or taking a chance with a new love. Strain recommendation: Grape Ape
CANCER
While most memories fade with time, some root themselves into our subconscious so deeply that we can feel helpless to them. They surface without being called, stay as long as they want and leave an ache in your bones. I am reminded of the aunt who would arrive without notice and no specific date of departure. Despite the love we had for her, the weight of her presence could not be ignored. I invite you to make friends with your visiting aunt; tell her that you understand why she has come, but that you need her to move on. You need to lay down the law. She is absolutely welcome to visit but on your terms only. I know it’s hard, but if you don’t make a conscious decision to control what your brain fixates on then it will control you. Strain recommendation: Four Way
GEMINI
You have always been a sensitive flower; ready to take things personally and blame yourself for imagined slights and invisible scowls. A shift is coming, however; someone will send a thought to your brain at the exact moment you have a window of emotional flexibility and mental sponginess open. This will allow the thought to fly in and settle into your guest room: ready to be considered, analyzed and ultimately adopted. The thought is this: Let it go, no one cares anyway. So now all you need to do is pay attention to your inner monologue. Every time you hear yourself thinking the same old tired refrain “nobody liked me’, drag the needle across the record like a bad 90’s rap break. Make red lights flash, bells ring and sirens alarm and then let this new thought swarm your senses. Strain recommendation: Jack Herer
LEO
Ah poor misunderstood Leo; the lion who is more pussycat than predator, humble not proud, almost unaware of his own beauty, full of brains without the need to mansplain. What a wonderful catch you are! You’ve been working that tail off lately and finally now you have been given a moment to breathe. Are you taking it seriously enough? Will you allow all that piled up desert dust called stress to be washed off in the cool rain, freshening up your dirty fur? All of those wonderful Leo qualities are hidden when you don’t take care of yourself. Your frustration turns to aggression and your subtly is replaced by unnatural forcefulness. Please put those paws up and drink a freakin’ mojito already. Strain recommendation: Lee Roy
VIRGO
When I think of you I hear The Beatles chant “Good-day-sun-shine!”. I see you strutting down a sunny street, local vendors waving hello, children handing you hand picked flowers, stupid bunnies hopping by your side. It’s just lovely, super sweet and sugary. In fact, I am getting cavities. Where’s the grit? You used to have a bit of funk in your trunk. You used to be called Ms. Nasty on the sly. You weren’t scared of getting a little dirty. Your task this month is to let the skank-shine in. Dip down low when you boogie my friend. You have all the permission in the world this month to do all the fun consensual adult things you want but have been locking away in your rainy day closet. Freak flags must fly! Strain recommendation: Destroyer
LIBRA
You are a rolling stone: wherever you lay your hat is your home. You visit all the parts of you that have been scattered by time, barely stopping between each to catch your breath. What is of more importance than this work of keeping your loved ones bonded to you? However, while you flit across the globe, seeing your beautiful family and friends, hugging their bodies, laughing at old stories, wiping away tears and dancing, you must remember there is more to you than just your relationship to others. Yes, absolutely, connection is crucial, but so are your own interests: the things that make you an individual. Some of your passion has dulled and it’s time to relight the flame. Can you channel your old fire to serve you on this new family focused mission? Strain recommendation: Blue Mystic
SCORPIO
How much of your day do you spend thinking about what others are saying about you? And how much time is spent thinking nasty thoughts about others? For such a kind person you can get caught up in this mean girl preoccupation of letting your insecurity feed your bitterness and vice versa. This is a childhood pattern that you have yet to take in hand. You’ve done great work on yourself in the past, but this is a blind spot that continues to elude you. Now is the time. See the space this cycle takes up in your life and do away with it. Highlight and hit delete. It’s clogging up your hard drive and slowing down your operating system. Strain recommendation: Deep Cheese
SAGITTARIUS
Stanford researchers have confirmed what everyone already knows: walking helps promote creativity. Is it the movement, the repetition of the steps, which allows the brain to wander? Or is it the fresh air that gets the oxygen into the brain? Maybe it’s the solitude, though many creative walks are taken with partners. Whatever it is, I am prescribing a few good long strolls for you this month. It’s time to get out of this artistic slump. Weighed down by so much blah-blah lately, you’ve forgotten to let the juices flow. You have a big idea coming, it’s brewing and it’s a good one, so do what needs to be done. Drink the imagination prune juice, so to speak. Strain recommendation: Sunset OG
CAPRICORN
So much sitting on your butt lately! You’ve got a serious case of flat ass. Sciatica been acting up? Let me introduce you to Kaizen. The Japanese practice of gradually implementing a new practice in your life, one minute a day. Set an alarm to ring at the same time every day, and right then, stop everything you are doing, get up from your goddamn chair, and dance or jog or do jumping jacks for a minute. Don’t stop mid way! You’ll see how quickly you get bored and want to do something else, it’s remarkable but you must push through; it’s only a goddamned minute. Maybe by the end of the month you will be a little less sloth-like. Good luck with that. Strain recommendation: Purple Elephant
AQUARIUS
The opportunities you’ve been waiting for are going to pop up earlier than expected. This March will be beaver month. Busy. Busy as a beaver. No other meanings of beaver are to be applied. Just the pervy little animal with the big teeth. So, loads of career pressures and many hours to be spent slugging away to achieve them are coming your way. Do what you can to prepare ahead of time: pack your lunches, clean the dishes, do the laundry. Call your pals and tell them you can’t come out to play for a while. Don’t get caught with your pants down during beaver month. Those teeth are sharp. Strain recommendation: White Nightmare
PISCES
Maeve Higgins, the Irish comedian who co-hosts Star Talk with Neil deGrasse Tyson, was discussing political correctness in comedy on the show recently. She said that when she is wondering if a new joke might be considered offensive she asks herself “Is this punching up or punching down?”. This is a great quote for you this month, as you work your revolutionary magic. Firing folks up, getting your righteousness on, speaking your mind – keep in mind that when attacking an idea, you want to punch those who are not traditionally on the bottom struggling for place. Punch upwards, at the bullies who loom. Keep up the good fight! Strain recommendation: Lemon Pie
